What am I feeling now?

I wrote this last year in June (2005)- Panchgini...

Everyone around me emotionally torn, weeping, expressing
But I am a ROCK, a turtle who doesn't want to come out of his shell.
I am strong and focused, but so emotionally weak,
I see around me grief, so I gulp down my own sadness
My purpose, My cause, makes me sacrifice my relationships,
to hurt another, hurts me also.
But I go on, with my purpose. Alone for now,
Along the way, one day a mate I may have, who I can look up to
for support, who I can go and throw all
my grief upon, whom I can be at peace and
shed the tears I've been holding for so very long.
Someone who soothes teh pain of my aching heart,
a companion, a friend, a soul, to complement mine
But alas! the wait is on
In the mean time, more hearts are broken and mine
turnsmore and more over the passing days into stone
Who will help me melt this stone and help me be what i am to be.

I am happy, yet sad - this mask is getting heavy.
the mask is getting heavy.